by Oriehn
(Oriehn takes a comfortable stance in the center of the stage, folding his hands in front of his body as he projects his voice.)

Oriehn greets, "Good evening everyone, and thanks for staying awake for the last performance of Bardfest!"

Oriehn announces, "I'm about to tell you all the tale of the Fellowship of the Circular Table with the Ale Stain that kind of looks like a Sexy Kobold."

Oriehn continues, "It's an energetic tale that started in this very town, a few blocks away from here on the barroom floor of Helga's Tavern."

Oriehn adds, "Keep in mind that this is just a story. Any similarities between the characters and real life adventurers could theoretically be coincidental."

Oriehn breathes very slowly and looks much calmer.

Oriehn recites cryptically:

"It started with a kiss.
A kiss that had the power of a fist.
Because as it turns out it was more of a punch than a kiss.
But sometimes the only way to express oneself is with violence.
Even if the emotion one is trying to convey is good will."


Oriehn removes a flagon of Dragonsdraught ale from in his elven leather jacket.

Oriehn raises his Dragonsdraught ale in a toast!

Oriehn recites casually:

"It was a friendly bar fight the likes of which Helga hadn't seen since at least last Restday.
The fight had started abruptly over a matter as trivial as whether the stew was simply inedible or actually poisonous.
It ended just as quickly when the Gnome bounced off of a bar table with a shrill, "Wheee!",
drawing the other combatants' attention to the treasure map."

Oriehn removes a blood-stained scroll from in his elven leather jacket.

(Oriehn holds his scroll out towards the audience, indicating different areas with the lip of his flagon as they are mentioned.)

Oriehn recites wonderingly:

"They stood around the unfurled scroll drinking in its intricate details
of a path through a Stronghold high on Mount Thanatoph that ended with a prominently gilded X.
The writing underneath of the X had been rendered indecipherable by a bad spill of dark, Blackdew grog,
but each adventurer filled in the mysterious blank with their own desires."

Oriehn put a blood-stained scroll in his elven leather jacket.

(Oriehn looks out towards the crowd with excitement flashing in his glacial blue eyes. His posture shifts slightly in height to emphasize the adventurer he's mimicking.)

Oriehn recites excitedly:

"Treasure!" hashed out the Human.
"It will be powerful magic!" disputed the Dark Elf.
"Eternal glory lies waiting!" grunted the Giantman.
"Smells like booze to me!" declaimed the Dwarf.
"It has to be tarts and cookies!" howled the Halfling.
"Is secret kittenses base!" giggled the Gnome gleefully."

Oriehn marches along, proudly displaying a flagon of Dragonsdraught ale!

Oriehn recites coolly:

"The Fellowship of the Circular Table with the Ale Stain that kind of looks like a Sexy Kobold formed immediately,
but began to dissolve right after their first fight at the base of the mountain.
They lost the Dark Elf there.
Not because of injury, but because he sobered up and realized that he hated everyone else in the group passionately.
Without uttering a word he turned around and left in search of his self-perceived equal.

He was never seen again."

(Oriehn waves an exaggerate farewell towards stage left before continuing his short march towards the front of the stage.)

Oriehn recites comically:

"Their next obstacle was a stone troll who demanded the troll toll if they wanted to use his shortcut of a hole.
The party lost two members then, because the "toll" was the Gnome whom the troll had fallen desperately in love with.
The Halfling left with them because the troll was a fan of Jeril,
and lured the Gnome back to his hut with the promise of a mountain of candy.
It wouldn't have been fair if the Gnome had those sweets all to herself."

Oriehn suddenly observes, "It's actually not even fair if they have all those sweets between the two of them, so how about I offer a taste to all of you who have stayed awake for my performance!"

(Oriehn flips his disk over, launching a miniature mountain of chocolates and caramels into the audience.)

Oriehn recites eagerly:

"After a harrowing ride down a tube they landed in the lap of the largest stone giant ever mentioned in written history.
(It helps that they're not mentioned often)
Once they had scrambled to their feet, the Giantman called out that this was where they part.
He reached deep into his kilt, pulling out a maul bigger than should have been possible.
(Due to its size and where it was sheathed)
The Giantman then howled in rage as he waddled forward furiously."

(Oriehn waddles around the stage, acting as if each step brings him a sharp, new pain.)

(Oriehn stops suddenly, lifting his nose high into the air as if following a distinct smell.)

Oriehn recites approvingly:

"The Dwarf was then halted by a smell that pulled the remaining two off of the path
just long enough for them to find a room full of gigantic, stone kegs labelled "Da Guud Stuf".
The gloriously bearded one patted the Human on the rear and claimed that his journey ended here.
The last glimpse the Human caught of him was his stout body scrambling over the stone lip of a keg
with a loud, refreshing "Splash!"

Oriehn renders a sharp salute with his Dragonsdraught ale.

Oriehn takes a drink from his Dragonsdraught ale.

Oriehn recites wonderingly:

"The human was a mere 30 paces from the X when she saw the treasure hoard.
It was enough silver to sustain the woman through five lifetimes.
(Or at least allow her to snatch one dress from Inurtia's coffee-stained clutches)
She would have stopped there if her curiosity to solve the mystery of the X wasn't so great.
Luckily for this story, it was, so she turned her back on the treasure and moved down the passageway."

Oriehn marches back and forth, sharply turning at the end of each stride.

(Oriehn stops his march suddenly in the center of the stage, then gazes around in wonder.)

Oriehn recites uneasily:

"The Human found herself standing in a dimly lit study.
The patterned walls were lined with books and the floor littered with cauldrons and potions.
What lay in the center of the room marked X was a cage full of mewing kittens.
As the kittens pushed against the cage walls and each other to greet her,
she noticed the "Kitten Recipes" book that was propped up against the locked gate."

Oriehn kneels down.

(Oriehn saunters towards the front of the stage on his knees, one of his fingers pressed innocently against his lips.)

Oriehn recites intimidatingly:

"Ams saids is secret kittenses base." lazily called out a voice from behind her.
The Human turned and found herself staring at the Gnome,
who was sucking a cherry lollipop as she crept - forward - menacingly.
It was then that the Human noticed that the map compass had been a red rose all along.
"Nows to keeps it secret!" giggled the Gnome as she rubbed her tiny hands together.

The kittens mewed sorrowfully."

Oriehn smiles sadly as he cradles his ale in his hands.

Oriehn stands up.

Oriehn recites cryptically:

"It ended with a kiss.
A kiss that had the power of an implosion.
Because as it turns out it was more of an implosion than a kiss.
But sometimes the only way to express oneself is with violence.
Especially if the emotion one is trying to convey is -

The End."

Oriehn raises his Dragonsdraught ale in a toast!